Transphobia

Fuck! All of my friends are transphobic. I thought the whole ‘is that a man or a woman’ thing was bad enough but shit! Out and out transohobia. Some of my closest friends said they felt physically sick around the person. I had never felt so distraught, to the point where my roommate noticed how upset i seemed and asked why i was listening to my i-pod. It relaxes me when I’m stressed, but there you go; that’s what i did unintentionally, because i cannot unheard the things I’ve heard. It was even made bitterly personal, bitterly and brutally ironic. “I KNOW YOU DRESS LIKE A MAN, BUT ITS NOT AS IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO JOHN” but john was right up there, right up there with my possible name of choice Ryan, and now i wish i was dead. I wanted to die, scream, break down, because even after filtering out the nicest people, those that I truly clicked with and got on with swimmingly, went clubbing with and all of this that and the other, they would reject me, even my alleged best friends would hate me suddenly if i were to come out. And yet, i don’t hate myself, or them. i simply block it out, numb it out; listen to music until its all over for the moment. That my real friends, is progress. More than that though, it is me coming out to myself, overcoming the internal transphobia i feel for myself and soothingly loving myself, especially in times like this. I am not the freak; those that claim to be disgusted by strangers are the monsters here. “i prayed to lose enemies, and i suddenly started to lose friends”...it gets better is starting to look like a lazy teenage pipe dream again. 

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I seem to introduce myself as a lesbian all too often. bisexual sounds like too much of a phase though, and i am by no means entirely compatible with straight men, they tend to get turned off by my masculine energy, so I am not really sure where this leaves me. Either way, how you act around people can very easily dictate how you are treated and perceived. I believe that the way you act has a direct affect of how you are treated. As for karma, i struggle to believe in it. I feel as though the nicer i am to people the more they take advantage and the less respect people have for me. perhaps its because we are all just animals deep down, dying to fuck, fight and claw our way to the top. So the more stereo-typically male i portray myself as, the more respect i gain amongst male peers. For that i have to tell them i am lesbian, but as soon as i do that my female friends struggle to accept me into their group. They don’t know how to communicate with me, there is no common ground, and i am often too brash and offensive for them to befriend me. If i say that i am straight, its the men that don’t know what to say to me unless they are trying it on. They either ignore me because they aren’t interested, or they start chatting me up and then only continue the conversation with mild curiosity if i tell them i am gay. Occasionally they shock me by becoming the greatest of friends. That is always a pleasant surprise to me, and i am always incredibly loyal and grateful to all of my friends. The friends that i consider open minded and trustworthy enough to be moderately honest about myself with them, and they aren’t ashamed to be seen with me publicly.

Bisexuality is an identity which i am not used to and which people assume is merely a transitional stage in coming out. Given that i am in a permanent state of transition at the moment with my body and my gender, i suppose it is somewhat fitting, for now, because pansexuality is not as widely known as it should be. Anyway, there you are, and there i am; bisexual in some sense, which brings a whole new series of insults and ways to interact with humanity. It is the sushi/hotdog dilemma which i am always faced with. It is the idea that i am not gay or straight, male or female, but essentially i am confused, greedy, not brave enough to come out yet or overly sexual. Perhaps then i am all of those things, but mainly, essentially, as well as attracted to pans, i am sexually dyslexic. Telling my guy friends im dating a man feels like coming out all over again, and while they may all cry “be proud of who you are, do what makes you happy” what they fail to understand is that i am doing what makes me happy, and what makes me happy is having friends, family and not being stared at in the street: all of which are only achievable via a boyfriend. 

I say i am bisexual to most people, so neither social group will let me get too close.I think that Its awful that i have to chose between having predominately male friends or female friends, because it feels as if i am hiding myself in some ways. If i say that i am bi and i get to have aquiantences with both genders. This is what i normally say, because i hate to have to choose. I don’t want to be male or female of straight or gay. I want to be both. I want to be everything. And more than anything else i want to have faith in humanity again, and very occasionally people do restore it. I love those people more than anything. A lot of people say that telling people how much you love them can show weakness, and while that is true, i aim to be fearless in that way. Its rare that i love but when i do i love unconditionally, i fall for them hard and fast, which is why i push people away so much. but i fall in love with my friends. Its on a purely platonic level, but all i wish them is happiness and to show my gratitude for their kindness and honesty around me. it is a very awful truth that i'm so shocked when people aren’t ashamed to be seen with me or scared i will sleep with them, or they just want to sleep with me. Its sad that i am shocked, but i am grateful all the same. I love them all so much. I make time for them and only them. I can spot a fair weather friend a mile away these days, and i will never tolerate it again in my life. people tend to wonder why i'm not more sociable, when in reality i'm pretty sure that i always throw everyone a smile, and its those that smile back i  give a chance to, and those people tend to be the ones that i keep in my life. I don’t think its my fault that not many smile back.

Debate

I will always hate that people think homophobia is okay. I hate it. I hate everything about it. It is scary to think that in my lifetime it will always exist. Its only because people don’t seem to understand what it feels like. Its not by any means okay and i resent the idea that its up for debate. My rights as a human are up for debate, i see it in casual conversation and on the news daily. I take great comfort in the fact that black people once were not allowed to exist for something that they could not control either, unless of course you're micheal Jackson. That's the thing though, you cant pick your sexuality or gender any more than you can pick your skin colour, i mean, you can try things out, you can experiment, you can get spray tans or girl/boy/other-friends and you might even cross dress on occasion but you are what you are in your heart and your mind and your personality and your core. You cant change that. And i hate the fact that people can judge you for it as if it is everyone's business and its up for debate. You cant debate a fact, its not a matter of art or literature, its like maths; there's one answer, and its me and my life so the answer is what in say it is, and i say that I am not up for debate, i am a person. Its like when i said that i was a lesbian to my friend. My friend asked me if i had slept with men before and i was honest, i said yes. She said that she didn’t consider me a lesbian then. Well i hate to break it to you, but its an I-dentity, not a YOU-dentity and if i identify as lesbian because i find women attractive currently then thats okay. Im sure she wouldn’t appreciate her telling me shes straight and then me saying “oh, but i don’t consider you straight because you've kissed girls at parties before” and if she says that's different because she was doing it to keep up appearances then thats exactly what i was doing dating men. I was keeping up appearances. I was trying to be ‘normal’, whatever that is. The fact that i had to try to change to avoid abuse and ridicule is awful though. You wouldn’t find a black person bleaching their skin to avoid racism, because racism now is 100% frowned upon, and i want to know why homophobia in this day and age isn’t. Racism is normally seen as wrong in most social circles, and yet homophobia is seen as a completely  acceptable dinner party debate. Well, ‘my personhood is not up for debate’ and what people don’t seem to grasp is the concept that LGBT people are people, and  they would very quickly chane their tune had they the ability to relate: had their own children come out to them and given them a new degree of empathy, on a personal level. I also fail to understand why the bible is bought into political debates. I wont go into why religion proves or disproves gods love or hate for homosexuals, but my point is that church and state are separate, so it shouldn’t even come into it.

Fear

Adults terrify me. adults are relentlessly threatening to me. my peers or younger kids i can handle, but adults are a different kettle of fish. They are society at its finest; they are fully grown. As kids you are always told that adults know best. That adults are right, and that they know their right from wrong. They are sure of themselves and the way of the world. They have grown up and out of childishness, closed mindedness and the pettiness of bullying.why, then, is it alright for adults to shout dyke at me in the street? It says that they know that this is okay, because they are adults and they do so very freely, without hesitation, with so much anger and disdain in their eyes and across their face.  Whats worse is that it happens in public, and my peers, and more worryingly so, those younger than me are seeing this and how i react to it. I ignore it of course, like i do with most things i laugh it off or rise above it, but the simple fact is, i was happily minding my own business when someone atleast twenty years my senior was so disgusted by my existence they felt the need to shout at me. i hate confrontation, and believe it or not i do hate to be singled out, but most of all i hate to be victimized. Dyke is an awful word, and its a rare form of insult, its as though it is tailored to hurt just me, or atleast, a very very small minority group. But everyone in the highstreet can see that i am a young female woman, and he is an older, adult male ,showing all too public aggression. In that situation other males normally step in and act protective of me. that is comforting, to know i would be safe when out alone, especially when the incident happened in broad daylight. but men only ever protect me when i#m wearing a dress, which is something else which terrifies me about the world. Am i only worth saving if I am attractive? Its like when ‘ugly’ women are raped and people care less, or ‘slutty ’ girls are raped and people say its their fault. Is it my fault then, for getting shouted at? just because I am wearing male clothing? Well its a free country, these are my streets too, and what is even more sickening to me is that the same man that shouted might have held a door open for me had I still wore my hair long. The fact that he was my senior, and that absolutely no one asked me if I was okay afterwards all implies shouting at me is something that is right, and by logic, I myself am something very wrong.  but i am not a thing, I am a person, and I had to remind myself of that a lot more than i normally have to on that day. This is why I hate people. 

Coming Out

Coming out was an experience which i will not forget quickly. I mean, it had always been obvious that the only thing straight about me is my hair and my taste in vodka, and on occasion, my spine and mind. I have always, and always will stand up for myself, and more often than not my LGBT brothers, sisters and others. I try to educate the naive and explain important things to the ignorant to try to make them understand. I create more safe spaces for myself and other people that way. Fear is a prison, and i do not like the feeling of being trapped in my own friendship group. That is what i told my friend who asked me why i came out. He said that eh would simply just tell people if they asked instead of broadcast it, and i politely told him that it is not as simple as that. And it is not just the once; i have to come out all of the time. Every day is national coming out day, every time i meet someone new i have to make the decision to do so. I mean, the first time i came out was the most daunting and the most awkward, but it gave me an enormous sense of comfort afterwards, like i knew they wouldn’t judge me after finding out my biggest secret and one of the most important things i have discovered about myself. Then of course i came out to my mother after practising on a few friends that lived far away. I did so in the pub; cliché for a butch person, and after the shock wore off things were alright and still are today. 

Coming out is an important right of passage though, and i did not take it lightly. nor do others unfortunately, and i have lost a lot of friends, so by being openly gay i can protect myself from making friends with people who i would only end up losing later. I come out to make it known that nobody can insult me either. I mean, the saying goes that, the people who care don't matter, and the people that matter don't care, but what happens when someone who matters to me cares? Coming out is also important so you can eradicate the people in your life who are hostile or constantly put you down with their snide comments or the anger they put into their views. One of my mother’s boyfriends is a good example of this. Even after, or in fact, because i did make my sexuality known to him the comments began. “you are trying too hard to be male” “Is that a man’s curb chain? Its nice...but you need to get female jewellery.” It pisses me off beyond belief, because I’ve spent my whole life trying too hard to be female, and the only way i can reflect the way i feel inside is through my wardrobe. I get it from close friends as well. “Why are you wearing that bracelet? You like a straight man. I hate straight men.” and “When you do move in i will throw away all of your lesbian items” but what people need to understand is that this is who i am, and the more people i say that too and the more people who come out, the sooner everything will become much more accepting and easier, but until that day there will always be days when i think, ”if i dress like a girl i hate myself, and if i dress like a guy everyone hates me, if i dress in my birthday suit i am arrested, there is no pleasing you fucking vultures!”

Homophobia

I would much rather be alone then with someone that makes me feel alone, or worse still forces me to hide who I am. I discovered this the very hard way. I discovered all too easily how cruel the world could be. When finding out more about myself, my gender representation and my sexuality I also discovered how closed minded people can be. I found myself being judged enormously on something that is only a small part of myself. People who know nothing of my life, my goals, my likes and dislikes, the way I act in social situations, any number of things that perfect strangers didn’t know about me, and they would judge me regardless. What people don’t seem to understand is that gender identities and sexualities seem to dictate a lot about the rest of your life. People tend to assume that its something you are fine with. Its something that you have chosen, and its not a behavior, its you and all of you, and there is nothing you can do about it. That is the crippling reality of it all.

I remember my first day at my second college, daunting as it was already, we were given a table to sit on. A girl was told to sit next to me and looked absolutely horrified about it. I was quickly changed to sit on a table with mostly guys. I liked that a lot better, although I always find myself a little intimidated by bigger social groups of men. Its a lot easier to be labelled as ‘the girl’ and a lot harder to dominate conversation to avert your masculinity. Either way, I wasn't nearly as judged, although men can be just as bad. Once they know I am not a potential fuck they seem to stop all conversation, as if that was the sum of all my worth to them as a woman. I sound like a bit of an angry feminist right now, but i see it as the cold stone truth.

I also noticed that the more overly feminine girls and gay guys trying their absolute hardest not to make eye contact with me. I never understood feminine gay guys hating on butch women, aren’t we all part of the same community, just at different ends of the spectrum? They mock me for looking like a man when they get hate for looking like women, why!?  Anyway, my female friend accidentally touched my leg  and then said sorry. We both thought absolutely nothing of it, why would we? But when i looked up a girl on our table was just staring wide eyed, shocked that my friend was so comfortable with me. I can only assume she was amazed that I hadn't’t raped her right there and then. So that’s another reason i don’t like people. I also hate people that feel they can talk to me when in small groups but avoid me when they are with their friends. That’s brutal. They are embarrassed to be seen with me. This frustrates me to no end, because I know that if I looked a little different I would be a lot more popular then I am now. Not that I ever wanted to be popular, it is a social construct that I don’t care for too much. The popular people’s friends hate them, making the unpopular kids more popular because their friends tend to be more genuine. I think I just mind fucked myself, but I know that I’m right, I mean, I’m really onto something here...but my point still stands. Just by being gay I eliminate a lot of people that otherwise would like me, and that makes me hate them.