Homophobia

I would much rather be alone then with someone that makes me feel alone, or worse still forces me to hide who I am. I discovered this the very hard way. I discovered all too easily how cruel the world could be. When finding out more about myself, my gender representation and my sexuality I also discovered how closed minded people can be. I found myself being judged enormously on something that is only a small part of myself. People who know nothing of my life, my goals, my likes and dislikes, the way I act in social situations, any number of things that perfect strangers didn’t know about me, and they would judge me regardless. What people don’t seem to understand is that gender identities and sexualities seem to dictate a lot about the rest of your life. People tend to assume that its something you are fine with. Its something that you have chosen, and its not a behavior, its you and all of you, and there is nothing you can do about it. That is the crippling reality of it all.

I remember my first day at my second college, daunting as it was already, we were given a table to sit on. A girl was told to sit next to me and looked absolutely horrified about it. I was quickly changed to sit on a table with mostly guys. I liked that a lot better, although I always find myself a little intimidated by bigger social groups of men. Its a lot easier to be labelled as ‘the girl’ and a lot harder to dominate conversation to avert your masculinity. Either way, I wasn't nearly as judged, although men can be just as bad. Once they know I am not a potential fuck they seem to stop all conversation, as if that was the sum of all my worth to them as a woman. I sound like a bit of an angry feminist right now, but i see it as the cold stone truth.

I also noticed that the more overly feminine girls and gay guys trying their absolute hardest not to make eye contact with me. I never understood feminine gay guys hating on butch women, aren’t we all part of the same community, just at different ends of the spectrum? They mock me for looking like a man when they get hate for looking like women, why!?  Anyway, my female friend accidentally touched my leg  and then said sorry. We both thought absolutely nothing of it, why would we? But when i looked up a girl on our table was just staring wide eyed, shocked that my friend was so comfortable with me. I can only assume she was amazed that I hadn't’t raped her right there and then. So that’s another reason i don’t like people. I also hate people that feel they can talk to me when in small groups but avoid me when they are with their friends. That’s brutal. They are embarrassed to be seen with me. This frustrates me to no end, because I know that if I looked a little different I would be a lot more popular then I am now. Not that I ever wanted to be popular, it is a social construct that I don’t care for too much. The popular people’s friends hate them, making the unpopular kids more popular because their friends tend to be more genuine. I think I just mind fucked myself, but I know that I’m right, I mean, I’m really onto something here...but my point still stands. Just by being gay I eliminate a lot of people that otherwise would like me, and that makes me hate them.