Transphobia

Fuck! All of my friends are transphobic. I thought the whole ‘is that a man or a woman’ thing was bad enough but shit! Out and out transohobia. Some of my closest friends said they felt physically sick around the person. I had never felt so distraught, to the point where my roommate noticed how upset i seemed and asked why i was listening to my i-pod. It relaxes me when I’m stressed, but there you go; that’s what i did unintentionally, because i cannot unheard the things I’ve heard. It was even made bitterly personal, bitterly and brutally ironic. “I KNOW YOU DRESS LIKE A MAN, BUT ITS NOT AS IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO JOHN” but john was right up there, right up there with my possible name of choice Ryan, and now i wish i was dead. I wanted to die, scream, break down, because even after filtering out the nicest people, those that I truly clicked with and got on with swimmingly, went clubbing with and all of this that and the other, they would reject me, even my alleged best friends would hate me suddenly if i were to come out. And yet, i don’t hate myself, or them. i simply block it out, numb it out; listen to music until its all over for the moment. That my real friends, is progress. More than that though, it is me coming out to myself, overcoming the internal transphobia i feel for myself and soothingly loving myself, especially in times like this. I am not the freak; those that claim to be disgusted by strangers are the monsters here. “i prayed to lose enemies, and i suddenly started to lose friends”...it gets better is starting to look like a lazy teenage pipe dream again.