Labels

I seem to introduce myself as a lesbian all too often. bisexual sounds like too much of a phase though, and i am by no means entirely compatible with straight men, they tend to get turned off by my masculine energy, so I am not really sure where this leaves me. Either way, how you act around people can very easily dictate how you are treated and perceived. I believe that the way you act has a direct affect of how you are treated. As for karma, i struggle to believe in it. I feel as though the nicer i am to people the more they take advantage and the less respect people have for me. perhaps its because we are all just animals deep down, dying to fuck, fight and claw our way to the top. So the more stereo-typically male i portray myself as, the more respect i gain amongst male peers. For that i have to tell them i am lesbian, but as soon as i do that my female friends struggle to accept me into their group. They don’t know how to communicate with me, there is no common ground, and i am often too brash and offensive for them to befriend me. If i say that i am straight, its the men that don’t know what to say to me unless they are trying it on. They either ignore me because they aren’t interested, or they start chatting me up and then only continue the conversation with mild curiosity if i tell them i am gay. Occasionally they shock me by becoming the greatest of friends. That is always a pleasant surprise to me, and i am always incredibly loyal and grateful to all of my friends. The friends that i consider open minded and trustworthy enough to be moderately honest about myself with them, and they aren’t ashamed to be seen with me publicly.

Bisexuality is an identity which i am not used to and which people assume is merely a transitional stage in coming out. Given that i am in a permanent state of transition at the moment with my body and my gender, i suppose it is somewhat fitting, for now, because pansexuality is not as widely known as it should be. Anyway, there you are, and there i am; bisexual in some sense, which brings a whole new series of insults and ways to interact with humanity. It is the sushi/hotdog dilemma which i am always faced with. It is the idea that i am not gay or straight, male or female, but essentially i am confused, greedy, not brave enough to come out yet or overly sexual. Perhaps then i am all of those things, but mainly, essentially, as well as attracted to pans, i am sexually dyslexic. Telling my guy friends im dating a man feels like coming out all over again, and while they may all cry “be proud of who you are, do what makes you happy” what they fail to understand is that i am doing what makes me happy, and what makes me happy is having friends, family and not being stared at in the street: all of which are only achievable via a boyfriend. 

I say i am bisexual to most people, so neither social group will let me get too close.I think that Its awful that i have to chose between having predominately male friends or female friends, because it feels as if i am hiding myself in some ways. If i say that i am bi and i get to have aquiantences with both genders. This is what i normally say, because i hate to have to choose. I don’t want to be male or female of straight or gay. I want to be both. I want to be everything. And more than anything else i want to have faith in humanity again, and very occasionally people do restore it. I love those people more than anything. A lot of people say that telling people how much you love them can show weakness, and while that is true, i aim to be fearless in that way. Its rare that i love but when i do i love unconditionally, i fall for them hard and fast, which is why i push people away so much. but i fall in love with my friends. Its on a purely platonic level, but all i wish them is happiness and to show my gratitude for their kindness and honesty around me. it is a very awful truth that i'm so shocked when people aren’t ashamed to be seen with me or scared i will sleep with them, or they just want to sleep with me. Its sad that i am shocked, but i am grateful all the same. I love them all so much. I make time for them and only them. I can spot a fair weather friend a mile away these days, and i will never tolerate it again in my life. people tend to wonder why i'm not more sociable, when in reality i'm pretty sure that i always throw everyone a smile, and its those that smile back i  give a chance to, and those people tend to be the ones that i keep in my life. I don’t think its my fault that not many smile back.