Character

I'm a really good judge of character, which is why I fucking hate everyone. I mean, people are the integral reason for my unhappiness and/ or distress. I don't wish I was dead. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish everyone else was. They have a tendency to make my personal life, appearance and just general business their own.

“You need to grow out your hair”

Why? For what purpose? Why bother telling me that in the first place? It is not your place to say it, and your opinion on my hair length will not magically make it grow any longer in that moment. I do not have to be decorative for you, I mean, one of the first openly gay men Oscar Wilde did say “women are the decorative sex”, is that why men seem to be so terribly outraged when I don’t look beautiful for them? Perhaps then I sometimes consciously look male to avoid the unwanted sexual attention. Looking older than I am, I would more often than not end up dealing with people being shocked over my age and I am more than used to having guys look at each other in wonder muttering ’its mental innit’  as if I were otherwise fuckable if I wasn’t so young. Of course now my only concern is never being able to pass with a child ticket for anything, even my oyster card looked dubious and caused second glances when I was under 18.. I have always looked somewhat like a 30 year old man. I would sooner that than have eyes wander over me in hunger though. I’ve discovered that it doesn’t even matter how butch I look; if I am female than I am fuckable, and that is that. Men on the other hand do not have this problem, and do not experience the unwanted attention to this extent. I believe I am right in stating that women's major fear on going on a blind date is meeting a serial killer, while a mans biggest fear is meeting with someone fat. Men have other problems though. If they want to get laid they have to master charm, but to get any sort of man a woman merely has to exist and be willing to pull. I feel like I suffer with both problems and both pressures sometimes.

I guess what I have come to discover though, is that gender is neutral until I leave the house. Friendships are real until they stab you in the back. Trust is trust until you speak to someone and realise it means something entirely different to others.I feel so let down sometimes, and so angry, so disappointed, so upset that nobody would go above and beyond for me in the way that I would for them. so that's whats forced me to change who I am as a person; life is a bitch and then you die or become one. I'm ‘born again hard’ as my mum likes to say. But that's upsetting too, because when your'e surrounded by awful people you start to become one, and that's something that I never started out wanting to be. Now though, I realise that I have to be cold to people. The more I say no to people, the happier I become, and the more respect I earn from people. You cannot be nice in this world, you cannot show weakness, or people go for the jugular, people whom you confide in go for your throat,  and just when you thought you could trust again your'e knocked right back to square one. I think it is actually quiet healthy that I spend more time wondering if I like the people around me than if the people around me like me. That may tell you that I'm surrounded by idiots, because in all honesty most of the people I know are closed minded bigots.

Morris Mandel said “the darkest hour has only sixty minutes”. Now while I don’t really know much of him and I found this quote through google images, it reminded me that even though I feel like death right now, the moment will most definitely pass, as it has done before, and as it will continue to do so. I simply remind myself daily that there is a flaw in my chemistry, not in my character, and it is only by a cruel twist of fate that I find myself in no mans land. I need to stop thinking that I am not man enough or woman enough to make anything decent or worthwhile with myself, because there isn’t anything wrong with me as a person. It is only everyone else who is making me feel inadequate, and the sooner I learn that for good the better.