Offending

I realised that I had always offended ‘other’ women when I was just being jovial. I had never been one of the girls, but I will never be strong enough or as emotionless as one of the guys. Cunt. I'm not really sure why the term is so offensive. I love that word though. Its one of very few words that holds with it a lot of taboo. I like taboo, and i like language. Being queer, I see how language is very important, and so is the way in which you say the things that you say. At the end of the day, someone addressing me as male or female can make or break me depending on how I feel that day. A good example of this is being screamed at when i walk into the girls toilets. If i'm in a full face of make-up and in a dress then it hurts. If i'm not, then its a compliment, but then of course I realise that this makes bathrooms awkward places and the fact that my presence in front of women makes them fear me leaves me feeling just a little sad and sorry for them. i have been that scared before; I don’t want to cause that feeling in another.

All I know is that I certainly fit in with men much more than I do girls. I found out that a lot of things about men I could identify with, from regular conversation to physically and mentally. I have thick skin, but I realise that I am quiet emotional in private, but still; i take the banter well. I love xbox, science and have good spacial awareness. I know that these are all ridiculous stereotypes, and many might assume I’m reading too much into things, but it’s what I’ve noticed and it’s how I feel in my soul. What I’ve discovered from living as, presenting as, being and living up to the stereotypes of both males and females is that I could not for the life of me pick between the two. It can be very difficult for other people to understand just what it feels like to be male or female, and you can’t imagine it, you can’t really know it until you have experienced it. And what I will tell you is that there are distinctive pros and cons to being either or both. The problem, socially speaking, not medically speaking, with being both is that you never quite fit into either. Group, so you become acquaintances with both groups and never truly included.