Self Preservation

When it comes to lust I am ruthless. People fall in love with me, and as soon as I discover that I end it. They grow boring to me, and I actually start to harbor resentment towards my partner. I feel as though this is because they are only in love with the half of me they think they know. People think that they know me and they don’t. This upsets me to no end, because if they knew my true gender or history they would run a mile, so I know that I have to end it, because they are in love with a fantasy and I feel guilty for carrying it on. I am a good actor is all. ‘if a girl can act, just must be a thesbian’.

It is easier to be single that it is to be told that someone doesn’t want you anymore because of something you have no control over, and something that is so core to you and your personality; its my body, my being. Its not as if I fancy some guy/ girl and I wished I was taller/thinner. My hormones dictate the way in which I think and feel. . My brain operates on a level that is a blend of both genders and the fact that I can, for the most part, get away with dressing according to my mood is a freedom that I am very grateful for and if my partner cant handle that then they cannot handle me.

There are however, a lot of adjustments that any partner will have to make or simply try to get used to when dating me. i always joe that any partner i have must be a little bisexual, but more than that i have heard a lot of people’s opinions and ideas about the adjustments they have had to make. A lot of them I had never even thought of, but its all just common sense if you think about it. One which statement always makes me laugh...

 “You've got a mans libido and a womans menstruation. Unlucky.”

There is a lot of truth in what was said to me. I’m up for it most of the time but my body falls short of what I require sometimes.  If I'm not up for it then I don't have the luxury of telling my partner that I'm on my period or that I can't get it up when I am tired. That being said, there are a lot of pros to my body that fellow pansexual’s usually appreciate instead of the one side or the other that most, more rigid sexualities don’t.

For one, I have very soft skin and manicured nails, but my hands are big and my arms are relatively strong. That is to say, I am by no means muscular, but when wearing men’s clothes I have been described as ‘stocky’. That being said, I also have curves too, and while they can make binding difficult there are times when I am a little proud of them after doubting they would ever exist on my wide-shouldered frame. When I am with a gay man or a straighter woman they will choose to see my more masculine side, and when I am with a lesbian or a straighter guy they only want to know my softer side and more womanly curves. It feels like a sort of honesty when I am with the more open minded. I have the freedom of wearing my whole wardrobe throughout the relationship and I don’t have to pick between being with them or having body hair. I don’t know if it makes me a bad person, favouring certain types of people over others, but I bear in mind that I am open minded and positive, while many others are not so much and it is them that pick and choose my traits while I try to re-enforce the fact that you must either accept all of me or none of me, just as I would any of my partners opinions, feelings and ‘quirks’.