Honesty

Right now I am going to talk openly and personally about coming out. Not coming out as gay, not coming out as bisexual, not explaining what pansexual is or having to deal with extended family and gossip from peers. I am talking about talking honestly and openly about my sexuality. I am pansexual. I am more importantly talking about being open with myself and others about my gender identity.

I came out to my mum when I was 17 in a pub. I thought it was a good time, because there is never a good time nor place to do it, but in my experience doing such things in a public place prevents too much tension and any screaming matches. I said that i thought I should have been born male. She initially laughed, but her face quickly fell. My mother is the only close family that I have and we have been through so much together, i couldn’t handle losing her, but i couldn’t handle keeping a secret from her; I never had. She took it well at first. I mean, she asked all the questions that I would expect, but when the thought of a name change came up she burst into tears. Things were rough for a few days, and stereo typically I felt like a stranger in my own home. We actually had another breakdown in McDonalds of all places, and that was when the anger stage came out, because i can only assume she was mourning the death of a daughter that she never really had. One thing that she did say resonated within me.

“do you want to be one of them freaks with bandages on their tits and even more hair than you have now?”

To this day she denies saying that, and I know that actions speak louder than words, because since then she has been trying to understand and show how supportive she is, but that cut really, really deep. I had heard something that I had always feared about myself said back to me from the one person I love the most. What she's said since though, is that her back goes up whenever anyone says anything negative about trans* people because they're talking about (me) her baby. Awwww...