Staring

I am actually used to being stared at. I get stared at a hell of a lot. I get gendered as male on a daily basis, to the extent that women have screamed at me when going to the bathroom and when I accidentally walk into the men’s no one bats an eyelid. I think the first time I passed as male intentionally was outside of my flat in Clacton. There wasn’t an entry system so you needed a key to get in. A woman was trying to get inside so I offered to let her in and she asked me if I was Ryan from flat 2. I said no, and she looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to tell her my name but I didn’t. I saw that she wasn’t searching my body for curves or anything, so I didn’t dare say my real name; a very effeminate name. I let her in and left. I felt really good that day though, and I started to notice it more and more. People would interact with me as if I was male so much for such a long period of time, when my hair finally started to grow back; I was actually startled to be called Hun at the self checkouts in Sainsbury’s.

Its all about perception really, and what people initially see. Personally, I don’t actually mind my body most of the time. It’s just what other people think about my body that bothers me so much. When people ask me am i male or female im not as insulted a speople think i should be. Not at all. on the contrary, i find it somewhat comical, and depending in my mind set at the time its a bit of an ego boost knowing that, even when im clean shaven and not binding men assume i am one of them.

My little cousin always refers to me as him, his, he and boy, and whenever my other family members try to tell him I'm a girl he goes mad in protest and says "He is a boy! He sounds like a boy and he looks like a boy and he likes boy things!"
And I'm wearing a dress...
My initial reaction was to exclaim "Never grow up kid!" Really though, children are so ‘niave’, but in reality I believe them to be more open and understanding than the majority of adults that I encounter. It is easier to pass around children, and they seem to sense my masculine energy, whereas their parents will think with their head instead of their heart and scold their children for being rude when they say “I think that man dropped his purse.”