Courage

I don’t know why it got to me but it really did, when guys were flocked around my female friend and only put up with my presence because I was the friend, yes, alright, I get that, but there was no need to say "don't fucking touch me." Ouch. I'm trying to keep in mind how that makes me seen as a very much masculine entity to the boys, because in theory...I mean, if I squint... it means that I've passed as male in their subconscious without even trying. Atleast, that's what I'm telling myself to make it stop hurting.  

I cant help but think though, that with all of the emphasis that I place on passing its all a little bit pointless. No one is going to know about my gender identity until I come out to them, and to do that i need to be certain of exactly what my gender identity is, if I want to have any hormones or surgery, and if i am by any means prepared to be brave enough to be subjected to the bigots and haters.

Most of what I have rambled on about on this blog is rendered very much pointless by the fact that no one will ever think i am the man that I know I am in my head and my heart if I don’t just pluck up the courage to say it. My only hesitation is that I don’t want to think so optimistically about it like I have everything else in my life that has gone horribly wrong. I don’t want to try to improve my body, to in turn improve my state of mind and sense of self, only to realise that I have horrifically mutilated myself instead. At the moment I can convince myself that I am in a happy medium, and I keep telling myself that things will get better and get easier; get better when I get older, but I am getting older and I will always be in this permanent state of male puberty. I have stopped fighting it, and I now embrace it, but deep down I know that I want to push it forward and gain the courage to, well, grow up.

I just need to make sure that this is something that I want. I don’t want to give myself the excuse that I am staying like this because it is easier for me to find someone to be with and function in society, because that simply isn’t the case. If I am with someone in the stat that my body is in now then I feel more alone than if i was single, and existing like this is by no means living. That being said, there is no going back on altering things. I don’t want to wake up one day and look down at myself with scars and unwelcome hip bones, only to discover that i have always been happy with my body, it was just everyone else that had a problem with it in the first place. I can’t realise that I have changed myself, and it was only again to please others because I was being seen as female to men. What if I go through with surgery, and they still do? That is inevitable, and I shouldn’t let it bother me at all, but in all honesty it does. It takes a lot to offend me, and i cant help that this is my one of very few weaknesses. I just can’t go through with things either, to hate my body, my choices, and still feel awkward and alone, with no one to blame for that but myself.