It has come to my attention that I need to be
less controversial and aggressive in conversation with new people. I forget
myself with sensitive individuals and that my sense of humour is incredibly
dark and dry. Unless people know me well they fail to understand that I have a
soft side, and this leads to typically white middle class girls and baby-loving
women to clash with me; or perhaps I naturally clash with them because they
embody everything I hate about society and maybe even deep down everything that
I am jealous of.
I wish I was straight; straight looking,
straight acting, straightforward. Life would be simpler if I had been born into
a family which kept me rich, innocent and carefree, and my only goal was to
marry and reproduce. The grass is always greener on the other side though, and
the entire social construct of what I just said seems cripplingly dull and
controlling. Still, I need to stop offending people, as even though it is a good
device to push people away, people that I know I would not want to be friends
with, one of these days it will make me lose the few nearest and dearest that I
have, simply because I cannot control my tongue. Deep down though, I think it
has more to do with the fact that I cannot distinguish when to trust and when I
can let myself be happy and safe with someone else’s company. It all bores down to me being afraid of being close, only to find myself being called a freak by them after coming out. And that is no fault of my own.
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