Figuring out my Sexuality

1 new country, 3 new towns, 5 new schools, 2 colleges, and 8 failed relationships with men later I quickly realised-well, okay, so it gradually dawned on me... I think that it was somewhere in-between catching my boyfriend looking at other girls, only because I was looking too, and taking wearing his clothes to the next level. I promptly broke up with him, came out to friends, family, mother, and consequently lost a lot of people. On the other hand though, I gained something much more important; I gained self confidence, self respect, some genuine human emotions for other humans, and a strained sense of belonging in my own skin, clothes and community.  To say I have never been happier would be an incredible overstatement. But to say that implied I was glad not to be on another man’s arm, to be listened to and to dress well, to be popular in my social group and to feel those butterflies when I kiss my partner is very much accurate, and I am oh so glad for it.

With new found attraction and the identity to match I tried to navigate the world as a lesbian. I cut my hair short, and looking back I have no idea how I did it all with such ease; I systematically came out, altered my wardrobe, introduced myself to male friends and put myself out there in clubs, dating women and by no means mastering the art of it straight away. Perhaps it wasn’t all that systematic then. Thinking about it, I was just feeling my way through the dark, placing blinkers up to society and what everyone had ever expected from me.

I did what felt natural to me, ignoring gender norms and snide comments. It made me feel so liberated, when I looked in the mirror I didn’t hate what I saw. Many still ask me “what have I done to myself?”, and family members, even my partners and friends will drag up old photos of me and say “you looked so much better back then”. What they don’t see though, is how lost, afraid and repressed I am in the pictures. They don’t see it, but I can see the sadness in my eyes, and the confusion and guilt that so many other LGBT teens have riddling their thoughts. Now days though, and for the very first time, I see myself in new photos. I see a genuine smile, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I actually recognise the person staring back.