Personhood

I've just got back from college and had a very large glass of vodka. Its 12:06 in the afternoon. But this is by no means a bad thing. I'm quiet happy to say the least. This morning I woke up, applied makeup and a dressy top and leggings. I'm still the same person though, and this had got me thinking that its only my perceived gender which affects me. at the end of the day, I would very much like to think that there is no correlation with my likes, dislikes, personality traits and mannerisms with my hormones. Because if there was, then it would mean that my very soul was a result of a birth ‘defect’, and that i'm just an anomaly. And I don’t ever want to feel like the outcast that I am. Just because I don’t see, hear or know of anyone like me does not mean to say that I am a freak, or at least, that's what I tell myself, and that's what I'd like to think. Had I been  born a little more or less one way or the other then I would remain the same person that I am today, accept I know that maybe that isn’t entirely true. Still, I am a person despite this, and today, because of yesterday, is an exceedingly good day. 

Pride

Being at pride, as thrilling and wonderful as it was, made me feel very alien for a little while, because it made me look at myself and where i fit into the community. I felt like I had been put in at the deep end and that i certainly fit in better with the transgender community. It was as if I was still in the closet even at pride because when people asked if I was a lesbian i said yes, and yet I felt far from it: It was obvious to me that I was very different from the women there. I was much taller for starters, and it felt odd to have to try and match the masculinity of ‘other’ women. That was somewhat unnerving, looking at female identifying women who were butcher than me. it made me doubt my identity somewhat, and I came to a half asked conclusion that i'm very much bisexual, just because i enjoy the company of men so much. Women, as beautiful as they are, are something which i'm not and being with them is a privilege, while being with men is exceedingly comfortable. Perhaps I need to throw myself out of my comfort zone even more and learn how to approach women a little better.