Confidence

As a woman, you are told and you believe a few fundamental things. Long hair is staple, and tight fitting clothes are normal. Once doing the opposite, I discovered an entirely new world. The way in which people spoke to me altered entirely, some of these changes I liked and some of them I didn’t. I couldn’t hide behind my hair anymore or the feigned stupidity of womanhood. That is to say, I couldn’t be the dependent and weaker vessel. I couldn’t be quiet in the corner, I couldn’t twiddle my hair or laugh at everything someone said, I couldn’t bat my eyelids to get a free drink and when walking along in the street no one moved to let me pass and no one would offer to hold my bag or open doors. I had to rely entirely on myself and my strength and my mind. I felt incredibly vulnerable and naked, although that might have just been the breeze against my freshly shaven head. Either way, I felt an elated sense of self reliance, and as scary as that was I got used to it very quickly; I had to, because there was no one looking out for me. Not that there ever has been.

It made me realise, though, that I would rather be single and butch than single and femme, because as an effeminate person you need to rely on someone, and when you're single and femme there's no one to come and save you. You start to feel weak and helpless, but then you wonder why no one wants to be there for you. You doubt yourself, change yourself, and find yourself with a man that can be there for you, accept he isn’t there for you, hes there for this fake personality you've created to get him to date you. What hes dating is actually nothing like you at all. At-least, this has been my experience. And in my experience, paired with my natural tendency to like doing things myself and not relying on others, is one of the reasons why being butch/dom/top/masculine is something that I feel much more comfortable and natural in sync with above all other things that I have tried to make myself be in the past.