Unspokenly Out

Most recently I went out in a dress and still sat on the guys table and fucking thrived. Its things like that, the little moments in life like that which give me a real confidence boost. I mean, sometimes I am nervous, and sometimes being ‘mistaken’ for a boy makes me feel a little uncomfortable, though I believe it is because I feel like I am not man enough for the title, not because I don’t want to be seen as a man. Really though, passing boosts self esteem to the point where I am elated for the rest of the day, particularly when it really matters, like a prolonged conversation with a stranger, or when people that I know seem to have, or admit to having guessed I identify as male. A good example of this when my roommate was on the phone and told me that our friend said “he wants to get drunk with his mum, I mean...yeah” I was ‘mis-gendered’ as male and he didn't correct him. Of course my roommate assumed it was all just a slip of the tongue that I didn't care about, but more than that he let the guy on the other end of the phone assume I was male too, because it happens so often and he knows it doesn’t bother me. its like its accepted as gospel in some ways.

My roommate has noticed what I do in those situations and adopted the same attitude. I don’t correct people when they call me male because there is nothing to correct. Both male and female are correct terms for me, and i like it that way. I also like how confident i feel when people i know well include me and address me as if i have that masculine energy. My teacher even said that “You cant flirt with the customer like the girls can , but you have a presence about you like what I've got; you walk into a room and everyone will listen to what you have to say”.  I was so happy to hear it, particularly from an older male, it is something which he doesn't say to every boy even, and so i felt truly comfortable with myself just then. of course, there are those days when i am nervous for my safety and mental health by going out unshaven and in male clothes. The fear is always there of friends rejecting me and asking personal questions, or to being mistaken as a gay male or a butch lesbian and receiving hate for it. That is what it means to be me though, and I wouldn't change it fro the world, from people approaching me to shake my hand to little children asking “are we in the boys toilets” and mothers replying with “no, that was a girl, she was in a dress. Don’t be rude.”