Im Fine...

Is it so awful that i think once this diary is finished i can die? Lateley I have been thinking that i can't tell if I'm bi or just bi polar. I mean, I like being allone but hate being lonely, and i wouldn’t change myself, but I miss the girl that used to be me. I need to stop telling people that I hate people as well, as it is not strictly true and it gives a terrible impression . I guess that sometimes I just need to put up very big, very hard walls about myself to stop anyone getting in. I don’t want anyone to see weakness. Out of all the lies ive told ‘im fine’ is my favourite, because i use it so often and I am so good at convincing people with it. Sometimes i just feel as though nobodys nice to me. It is as if I'm nice to everyone, but no ones nice to me back so i just think why bother. I expressed that opinion to one of my closest friends the toher day. “Well I'm nice to you!” was his immediate reply, and i have to admit that it gave me butterflies. It is rare, truly rare, that someone is as nice as he is to me.

I mean, I have friends, but no friends that would be accepting of my true nature. I can be having a really good time, we will all be insulting each other jovially and someone says ‘well atleast none of us here are hermaphrodites.’ It seems funny, and if they knew about me and said that then lord knows i would definitely laugh, but seeing as they are the sort of characters to never speak to me again over it, hearing things like that truly crush me. There are so many people who i think i can trust but i can never really be myself around them. my best friend, even after hinting that my friends are transgender, will say that it is sick and that there is something wrong with them, but i still love her. It is exactly like when i was in the closet over my sexuality and had homophobic friends. Its easier said than done to cut them out and say good riddance to bad rubbish, but it hurts deep, knowing you would do anything for them and if they knew that one little thing about you then your personality wouldn’t outweigh it and theyde regret even knowing you. The same is true fro any relationship, be it family, froend or lover. It just hurts so much i want to cry. The problem is though, im too manly for that, and i guess those people will never know that, or else i wouldn’t know them anymore.  That being said, gaining gay male friends makes me feel like truly belong. I think that's what I feel as though I identify with most at the moment because my current boyfriend is a feminine cis-male.

 Not everyone is awful though. I done a status saying i can do movemer and someone commented “wait what?” to which i stated “i can grow a beard haha (Y) and after baited breath i got a notification, read it and it said “i want a beard L” i assumed she thought i was joking, but i was definitely relieved. Best reaction ever! Some male friends of mine also said they wished they could. It was funny. It cheered me up. I felt more comfortable on my own facebook and to call these people my friends. Atleast i am memorable and funny.“There's definatley something about you, If it was anyone else I wouldve ditched you by now”has to be the most accurate sentiment ever uttered to me, because despite everything, the things i jokingly reveal about myself can more often then not intrigue people, making me a good stroy to tell people about. Not many can say “my friend, she has a beard...” for better or for worse i am hard to forget and as i like to say “born to be different” which my  few and far between friends retort with “youve got that right”.