Experimenting

When I first started experimenting with gender representation, I went about a lot of things the wrong way, such as being overly masculine or empathetic and emotional, but true to character I enjoyed being plunged in at the deep end and learning from my mistakes. I got a certain sense of thrill from the danger of being different and all other things that went with it. This is not a sexual thrill though, and this is not one of those ‘straight girls being bi for attention’ things. Being gay is genuinely one of the hardest things anyone can be, which I quickly discovered. The way I am treated because of something which does not even begin to define my personality is atrocious. I felt sick. I hated everyone for being so shallow. But I felt like it was a good way to sieve out the good eggs from the bad eggs, and for the first time I was accepted whole heartedly by men in friendship. It was what I had always wanted, and that kinship in men was something which I had obviously been lacking but never knew it. It’s so obvious now, looking back. I had always adored things and ways of speaking that other girls hadn’t. Men are not offended by my offensive jokes, and for the most part they are very honest people.

By going out into the world as a man, as daunting as it was, I gained an enormous sense of self worth. I had to think on my feet for a lot of things. I had never been taught or socialized to do any of these things that I was doing. I was sued to holding eye contact and smiles for what I realized was too long for a straight man. I never had to open a door for a girl or buy a round for a group or be the first to approach a potential partner. It was all very scary, but very thrilling at first and the more I learned about myself and what I was capable of the more confident I grew.

 For the first time I felt like the way people were talking to me fitted the way I should be spoken to. Nobody was rolling their eyes at what I said at parties, people were listening to me and they were not taken aback to be approached by me, because I wasn’t seen as completely female anymore. I wasn’t some dumb slut anymore; I was a person, and I could shake a guys hand instead of being exposed to an inappropriately close hug. I was ‘confident’ to go up to guys and say hi, not whorish. I was smart to talk about college and tell stories, not smug and desperate for attention. I was funny when I took the piss out of people, not bitchy. There are so many double standards between men and women, and this became really apparent through my cross dressing. I realized then that this is what has been missing from my life all along. The more time I spent living and presenting as a man, the more obvious it was that I had made a truly awful woman. It sounds cliche, but my head was finally beginning to match my body and the way I was being perceived. I have never been so sure of anything feeling so right and natural in my whole life.