Love?

I laugh to myself about the theory that if you are intersex you can literally go fuck yourself. I thought about it though, and I realized that i have always liked dark hair and paler skin on partners. I thought about it more a few months later, when in looked around at my guy friends, and then back at my boyfriends, and I pondered if I wanted to be with them, or be them. I like dark hair and red lips and wide shoulders and a bit of puppy fat and a strong jaw and a good sense of humor, maybe short hair, maybe really femme or really dominant or something in between. That's when I realized that I wanted to date myself, and maybe my guy crushes were just that; nothing but crushes. I really wanted to be like them, not with them, but then again, I had never not enjoyed sex with men. I had never loved it either though.

I had never connected with men on an emotional level. I assumed that this would all change if I got with a woman. I saw myself falling in love with a female, I saw myself having the family and picket fence, the emotional and physical feelings that couples feel. I wanted to be with a girl and make her feel special, and beautiful, and all of the things that I don’t think my boyfriends had done for me. I wanted to see her smile, this mystery girl, i wanted to give her happy memories and little gifts and i wanted to feel like her protector, i wanted to be strong, and treated like a king so long as she felt like my queen. I pinned a lot of hopes and dreams on that. I felt like I had been given a chance, a get out clause, and that I would be able to function like a normal person in a relationship and in society, or at least in the gay community. That's why I was so disappointed to find myself reacting to and treating all kinds of genders and sexuality the same way. I'm somewhat numb towards people in a relationship, whether they are straight, gay, male or female and everything in-between.