There is a
saying that lesbians are only lesbians because they are too ugly to get a man. the state of my body
is just the collateral damage from my pursuit of happiness. Fast food, energy
drinks, cropped hair, men's clothes, alcohol and cigarettes are all the reasons that I am still breathing today. People tell me that I'v ruined myself and exclaim ‘what
have you don’t to yourself?’ or ‘what happened to you?’ well life happened to
me, life ‘ruined’ me, as they so eloquently out it, and no thanks to them, this
is how I have dealt with it. But while being called ugly is deeply
offensive I have to admit that this is somewhat applicable to me, but then I'm
not really a stereotypical lesbian, or a lesbian at all really.
My masculine traits had always been something that I tried to hide and they were what I thought I had been told by countless doctors were ‘problems’. I felt ugly because they outweighed my feminine features, but by embracing my male side, and what I have come to consider my ‘true’ self, I realised that they are actually positive things. I know that I am just trying to console myself. A friend once pointed out that my nickname ‘Hovis’ was not very accurate as I am not exactly the best of both, more like the worst of both. The cruel reality is that I will always be an ugly, barren woman or a man without a dick depending on what way you look at it or how I am presenting.
Still, this is my body and my world, and what I try to tell myself every day is that as a man, I have large feet and large hands, a strong jawline, broad shoulders and I am tall. All other factors aside, these are normally enviable traits, and in the gay community a good femme will appreciate that I can make a handsome butch. As a girl I'm not all too unattractive though. Naked, my figure is not overly masculine provided I don’t ever lose too much weight from my hips. And I am good with my makeup when I am in the mood. I have nice eyes that appear green on occasion. When I lives abroad, a teacher in Spain once pointed that out that my eyes change color. I like that.
I also like to think that I have the power of the first humans who were both genders that even Zeus feared. I tell myself that I have the potential to posses the serenity of ying and yang. I think its all that I can do to make myself feel cute. Anything to make my own little category of person hood that little bit more special and less of a potentially life shortening medical condition. I would much rather be considered a special little snowflake than a medical anomaly, infertile woman or neutered man. Besides, doesn't ‘two spirit’ sounds much better than circus freak?
My masculine traits had always been something that I tried to hide and they were what I thought I had been told by countless doctors were ‘problems’. I felt ugly because they outweighed my feminine features, but by embracing my male side, and what I have come to consider my ‘true’ self, I realised that they are actually positive things. I know that I am just trying to console myself. A friend once pointed out that my nickname ‘Hovis’ was not very accurate as I am not exactly the best of both, more like the worst of both. The cruel reality is that I will always be an ugly, barren woman or a man without a dick depending on what way you look at it or how I am presenting.
Still, this is my body and my world, and what I try to tell myself every day is that as a man, I have large feet and large hands, a strong jawline, broad shoulders and I am tall. All other factors aside, these are normally enviable traits, and in the gay community a good femme will appreciate that I can make a handsome butch. As a girl I'm not all too unattractive though. Naked, my figure is not overly masculine provided I don’t ever lose too much weight from my hips. And I am good with my makeup when I am in the mood. I have nice eyes that appear green on occasion. When I lives abroad, a teacher in Spain once pointed that out that my eyes change color. I like that.
I also like to think that I have the power of the first humans who were both genders that even Zeus feared. I tell myself that I have the potential to posses the serenity of ying and yang. I think its all that I can do to make myself feel cute. Anything to make my own little category of person hood that little bit more special and less of a potentially life shortening medical condition. I would much rather be considered a special little snowflake than a medical anomaly, infertile woman or neutered man. Besides, doesn't ‘two spirit’ sounds much better than circus freak?
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