Confidence

More often than not I like to make light of my gender issues. I feel as though this makes whoever i'm with more comfortable. It lets them know that i know what is different about me. It makes me much more approachable and it lets me assess them so i can see if they are safe and jovial people to be sociable with. It is also a bit of a comforting thing for me to somehow partially come out and disarm any feelings of threat we may feel from each other. By stating that my chin looks like a brillo pad it stops people, from avoiding me, discussing me or asking themselves what I could be instead of who i am as a person and what I might be like as a person.

A teacher, one of my most favorite teachers in fact once told me very praisingly that I had clearly thought about things, came out, and because of that and my frank openness there was never any room for himself or others to question it or say anything negative about it. He was talking about my sexuality, granted, but it was good to hear that by speaking 'above board' about having a girlfriend I was accepted whole heartedly, and I think more importantly, in his words, I opened his mind a lot and was the first openly Queer sixth former he ever taught. I hope, in some strange way, that has helped to 'enlighten' someone else or whatever. 

Shock humor though. That is most definitely my thing, prticulalry when trying to be open and myself. I mean, it is right up there with sarcasm. Its a good tool, in general life, for testing who has a sense of humor and who hasn’t, and normally it is those with an open mind in every sense that I become good friends with. That is why I voice funny little quips that a stop being known as the weird girl and more like the funny ‘top lad’. Lines such as...

“ I Just ate some Mccoys and now i'm craving a yorkie. That's awkward. Even food is out to get me...”

Or

” I really want to redecorate my room pink and blue, but I'm worried it might be too ironic”

Or even

 “Its actually so hot outside, if my testicles weren't undecended they'd be stuck together”

...tend to do wonders for my confidence and sense of self. Its like coming out without having to come out. Its a great way for me to see if i am safe in a bar or still liked within a group without the harrowing, heavy, and very trusting talk involved. It also means i am never forgotten. “What would you do if you found out you were born the other sex? And you'd spent your whole life confused about your gender and your sexuality? "I understood that my friend had to make his psychology coursework more entertaining for the rest of the class, but is that a rhetorical question to me? What do you mean by if? He continued talking and scarily enough told the tale of David Reimer, a boy who was raised a girl and then medically transitioned into a male later in life. I think he wanted genuine advice for his coursework. I told him that he couldn’t use me for show and tell. It made for a series of interesting conversations and jokes, even in depth talks about gender identity with a straight male. I call that a breakthrough for society, which only began because of my openness and jest. “tell your friends” I said jokingly, but I meant it, just as I mean to make all of my jokes loud. A lot of people have gained courage and come out because of me. I am not saying this is because I am amazing, but I am saying that the more open I am about myself the easier it is for me and many others to function and smile. The little things can also draw a room to laugh and then think i'm not so bad. When my friend told me to ask that boy for a pen I said, “That's not a boy that's a girl”. He replied with “Not my problem” and I said that “ funnily enough, its normally my problem”. The fact that the room laughed, along with the girl in question, made us all some friends that day. It sounds like i'm being dramatic, or reading too much into things, but you don’t know what sort of a day someone of a less common sexuality or gender could be having, and I know how someone like me that day would’ve really cheered me up if i was sad. That's what I love about being open in this way. If I don’t pass, then I can make it known that i want to in some ways, I can make it obvious that I am manly, and this alters perceptions appropriately, while giving others much needed confidence to be themselves, and very audibly sometimes.