Jealousy

When I hear people say ‘I hate myself’ or ‘I wished I look different’ you'll find me in the corner, silently fuming, and that's another reason why I hate people. People don’t appreciate what they've got till its gone. Like how I wished I was the weight I was back when I thought I was fat. Or like you're gender. I've learned that the hard way, and all I can do is pray to a god that I don’t believe in that my voice wont drop too low, my hairline wont recede any more and my beard wont continue to creep over my lip and cheeks. But its not even my wish though. I like those things about myself usually. I would simply find it more difficult to ‘pass’ as female the more male I become, and I would like the option to remain female, because in order for me to maintain any sort of physical relationship with straight identifying men or gay identifying women, I have to be a woman still.

I still want to see myself as all woman sometimes too. I think whats most unnerving about it all is the feeling of detachment, and the feeling of waking up as something that you don’t recognize and aren’t used to. Imagine, if you can, having the voice in your head speak much more higher and less monotonous. Its extremely unnerving and surreal, and I don’t think I will ever get used to the uncertainty of it all. I am someone who, by nature, very much likes having structure and certainty, but on the most fundamental level of my own body, I don’t even know whats going to happen. Doctors don’t know, and I live my life by not knowing anyone at all like me.

I don’t see anyone in the street or in the media like me, and nobody can even begin to predict what I'm going to look like in the future. Its the blind leading the blind in this, and the days in which I feel sick with myself only occur when the most unpredictable things happen. Such as when I've being called ‘it’, or when i don’t expect to menstruate and do, or if I discover more hair in places where there shouldn’t be or on my pillow. It reminds me that I'm different and it scares me a lot, it shakes me up and it makes me doubt myself. I begin to question why I am this way and why people wont understand or accept me as what I am. 

What people don’t seem to fathom is that I cannot control or choose these things, all I can do is make the most of them, embrace them, go with what I've been given and try to feel comfortable in my own skin. It throws people off when I say I'm proud of myself. I enjoy that, its like I'm claiming back myself, its like I get to fuck with society,instead of it always fucking with me. I tell my doctors my beard doesn’t bother me and they are stunned to say the least. I inform people that being called male is more of a complement than an insult, and yes my doctor martens do go with this dress and my full face of makeup fits perfectly well with my stubble rash so no i don’t want surgery: I just want to be myself.