Virginity

The internet saved me. Or at least, it opened all of the windows and all of the doors. It always had all of the answers, from math homework to make-up right up to chest binding. I needed valuable advice from chat rooms and wiki and yahoo and heaven forbid Cosmo and FHM. I went full circle from googling ‘what do men like in bed’ to ‘what do women like in bed’, except only the second one seemed to excite me.

Myself and females seem to fit, or at least, I get a thrill from it, I get that nervous feeling that I assumed was normal. Finally I was feeling genuine feelings; I had assumed I was simply a heartless bitch up until I noticed women. My whole life the lines “he’s hot” and “awww it was cute he did that” were entirely lost on me, but one day I had this epiphany; if having doors opened for me, if being held and taken out on dates just makes me feel numb, then I wonder what opening doors and surprising someone else would make me feel like. To date, it is quite possibly the best idea I have ever had.

I was nervous. I was a virgin, I had no idea what I was doing and I was a little shy. I thrived on these feelings, all of the feelings, feelings which I didn’t think I was soft enough or ‘normal’ to ever be capable of having. I thrived on the fact that I wasn’t defective in some way, but I had worked it out; I was bad at a game I was never meant to be playing; I dating men had been like asking a fish to walk on land and not flounder. Well I was now in the ocean I belonged, and to say that I threw myself in at the deep end would be an understatement. I looked back at myself, from birth till now, and honestly wondered why it hadn’t hit me sooner. Sexuality is an intimidating thing to women though, and it was something I never wanted to question, probably because I knew what I would find.