Hedonism

Maybe I don’t want to leave the closet? Maybe I just got it the way that i like it? Scented candles, throw pillows, vibrators and nude calenders, you know, the works? All of the things that reflect my personality? Teddy bears and combat boots. Fuck the cis-tem. I wanna be gay for Satan. My queer confession? I want to grow my beard, and have done, accept I couldn’t handle the stares, no, it was not for the stares, but for the lack of social interaction it left me with and the fear of being beaten. All the same, to this day, if i'm feeling a little emasculated I will grow my body hair out to the point where my body looks thoroughly ambiguous and I find the way my painted fingernails embed themselves in the fuzz of my stomach very sexual and liberating.

 And yet I cannot help but feel like I'm a bad queer for not coming out. For not endlessly explaining exactly what I am on the outside and in my head? The proof that I am still human is the fact that it is human nature to survive, and my priority at times is survival, so I put the political statements aside, because while my body is not a side show it is also not an example for others like me: I am myself, not entirely a revolutionist. I am still just a shy girl and a lonely boy. 

I am also greedy. I like food, I like money, I like fucking and being fucked, i like being one of the guys and one of the girls, and most importantly I crave social interaction from males as well as females. I liked traits in both genders and all people. I liked the banter of men but the softness of women. I like small chests but female genitals. I like being the big spoon but also being dominated in the bedroom at times.I enjoy using strap-ons though, and going shoe shopping. I like rock music and pop. I like having old friends and travelling to entirely new places.

I am odd. I make no sense. But i like it, and i don’t feel the need to explain any of this stuff about myself to other people. My business is my business, but words can often speak louder than actions contrary to popular belief, and I am always faced with the dilemma of coming out as a lesbian and making guy friends, or wearing a dress and making girl friends. It does seem though, that feeling comfortable in my own clothes results in me making none. Polo shirts intimidate people for some reason, and when im wearing them i look far too friendly towards girls and far to aggressive towards men. But I have a tendency to act like I dont care what people think. To be fair, i don’t care what people think usually, but on a deeper level, on a personal level, I crave acceptance and empathy. I find that not many people are very empathetic with me at all, and this saddens me a lot. I want people to care about me, don’t we all want to be known and understood? In that sense, aren’t i just perfectly normal?